she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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