I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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