guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
