Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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