I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
