i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
