You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I want her autograph on my taint
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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