I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
