I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
