my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
