Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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