just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
