If that was your dad, he is hot
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
