You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
