i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
