I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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