I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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