Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
