just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
