what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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