did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
