How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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