Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
