At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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