five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
