Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
