i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
