If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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