Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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