the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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