Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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