They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
