Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
