so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
