life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
