the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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