the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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