Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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