I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
