literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Reggie can tackle my bush.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
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