yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Randomize
