I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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