my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
