i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
