While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
