awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
