I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
