Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
