The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
