You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
